TGIF for Patently Bad Dating Humor

U.S. Patent Publication No. 2006273516

for "Board game relating to dating experiences"

by Janice M. Silfies of Allentown, PA USA

The objective of this invention "is to provide an out-of-the-ordinary game that involves players of the same sex telling stories about dating disasters, bizarre relationships and general dating misfortunes. The game provides opportunities for venting frustrations, gossiping and making derogatory statements about former dates. The winner of the game is noted as the person who has had the most substandard dating experiences or dated the most losers. An important objective of this invention is to expose the morals of players and provide outlets for discussion upon what is acceptable behavior and what is not."

Examples of questions utilized in the game are as follows:

Did you ever date a man who openly flirted with other women? 4 points

Have you ever been out with a man who got himself arrested during your date? 6 points

Did you ever date a man who claimed that he was abducted by aliens? 6 points

Did you ever have a boyfriend who forgot your birthday? 2 points

Did you ever find another woman's phone number in your boyfriend's pocket or wallet? 5 points

Did you ever date someone who was unknowingly a male escort who wanted to be paid for your date? 4 points

Have you ever found an intimate piece of clothing in your boyfriend's car or house that didn't belong to you? 5 points

Example of another question that ought to be utilized in the game:

Have you ever sent any of the following email messages? 10 points for each yes

"I am afraid I will need to cancel our meeting tomorrow. I went out with
someone earlier this week and although, not ready to go off of match, I would
like to give things a chance with that person. It would be unfair to you for me
to see you at this time."

"Bill, I am so sorry. I figured you would check your email. From your note, it sounds like you didn't and that you came out to Sandy Springs. It was early when I was leaving and I didn't want to call at 7:45am on a Saturday.From your reply to my 10:30 meeting time request, I was surprised that extending 30 minutes would cause a problem; I assumed you must be very busy with a very packed Saturday schedule so maybe it wasn't a good time for you anyway. Exercise is important to me, both physically and mentally, and I rarely get to the gym during the week.Anyway, I just wanted to say that I don't think you can classify it as being stood up and I'm sorry for the inconvenience."

"I am SO sorry!! My phone not only didn't ring, but didn't show me I had a message yesterday...I just listened to yours this morning. I was bummed out, too, because I assumed you had simply changed your mind about getting together. I can't apologize enough. Please know that I would never intentionally stand someone up. I feel terrible, and will certainly understand if you'd rather not move forward at this point. But if you're still up for it, please try me again at 404-226-XXXX. I promise to turn my phone up and keep checking it."

"I am just not in the habit of calling up or meeting up with some guy I haven't even gotten to know a little beyond a profile on the internet. In fact, I am not in the habit of dating at all. It sounds like you and I have very different expectations on this match thing. Furthermore, I think honestly and decency would go hand in hand with
one's level of spiritual maturity."

"you are creepy...and your photos are creepy"

"No Mexican stand-off please. ...I normally don't, can't, won't make that first call just because. I'm sounding like a brat, huh?"

"...Sure, Bill...My good looking friends who wouldn't mind if you are broke/cheap/expecting the woman to do all the moves? I felt I had to reassure
you of your manliness, while at the same time accepting that you had some weird
money issues, and initiate the only physical contact that we had. I know that
you are in early dating, but I have been there/done that -- have learned from my
experiences."

"I don't generally respond to interest from men that I don't feel a connection from their profile, but you sound like a well-intentioned person that spends too much time in your office. (Hmm... you sound like a whiner -- not what you were trying to accomplish.) I have to give you some advice. You can't have "a sense of humor to offer" and be this formal. You were married once... don't settle for nice, honest, open-minded. You don't need that-- neither do your kids. Now go find a good bottle of wine and start over."

"Clever, Fun Literate, Why do I suspect you can do better to woo a woman's attention than a wink? Hmmmm.... fyi: As a 'friend', you may want to consider removing some of those remarks....as some actually can taint your image from a female perspective..."

I just got home now. I'm very sorry about today. When you didn't phone last night, I thought you couldn't make it and I went to the gym/pool instead (didn't have cell with me).

"The horns are even bigger in person... ;) -- Toxalicious"

Thank Goodness It's Friday (and time for more dating),

--Bill Heinze, "Guaranteed fun or your money back!"